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He said, she did, and forgiveness.
AHA'S AND ACTION:
Here are 2 thoughts, 2 inspirations, and 1 question for you to reflect on this week…
2 THOUGHTS FROM ME
1. I used to take things very personally – when someone said something or did something that hurt me, I would stay stuck for long periods of time – hours, weeks, years - replaying it over and over again and feeling bad about it. Then I heard something that really made sense to me - you don't have to forgive the act, but you can forgive the person. I realized, for myself, that they were doing the best they could with the thinking they were having in the moment. Now this didn’t change what they did. Those are two different things. Forgiveness for me is about feeling better in my life — not about deciding what happened was okay. Once I separate the two, I feel better and this is what I’m going for.
2. I think about a client of mine who couldn't forgive her parent for abusing her when she was young. What they did was never going to be okay — that didn't change. But as we talked, she started to see her parent differently. She saw that, in their own limited way, they were doing the best they could. That's what let her forgive them. Not because it excused what they did. Because she finally got to let it go.
2 INSPIRATIONS FROM OTHER PEOPLE
1. “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.” by Oprah Winfrey.
2. Stanford's Dr. Fred Luskin has found people who forgive are measurably more relaxed — blood pressure and nervous system settle, pain perception drops, depression and anxiety go down. The body keeps score of what we're holding onto, and it lets go the moment we do too.
1 QUESTION FOR YOU
1. What's the "he said, she did" you're still holding onto — can you separate the act from the person and forgive them?
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